Ok, that's an overstatement--I was pro-choice to begin with. But before having a baby, I was pro-choice in a somewhat abstract way. "Women's medical decisions are private! No one should be forced to bear a child!" etc etc.
Now that I have one? I would personally help out, with money or time or support, any woman I knew who needed help procuring an abortion. I would go so far as to say that I am baffled that any woman with kids could feel otherwise.
Everyone assures me that the newborn phase passes and things get better. That is cold comfort when one's child chooses not to sleep for seven hours straight. And demands constant rocking, jiggling, nursing, bouncing, repeat ad nauseam (mine) for the duration. Small is a lovely baby, and fun to play with when he's happy, but staying home alone with him all day is intermittently dreadful. On days when he refuses to sleep, I would be willing to hand him off to a passing stranger. Once a week or so he screams his head off for a few minutes while I sit in another room, unresponsive, because I simply cannot stand to deal with him for another moment.
And lest we forget, I really, really, really wanted this baby.
The point here is not that I am dealing with new motherhood and continuing vicious sleep deprivation, although that is also true. The point is, some days are difficult enough even knowing that this is a dearly desired baby, a baby we went through many medical procedures to achieve, a baby I am (generally) happy to have.
If I had not wanted this baby? The neglect would have started early and often. If I didn't have the vast amount of support that I do in fact have, things would be even worse. Who thinks it's a good idea to encourage this?
And don't tell me that adoption is the solution unless you yourself have adopted a few children.
So there you have it. I've always been pro-choice, but having a child has radicalized me. This is a hard enough path even when it's been chosen. I could never tell a woman to go through it unwillingly, nor could I live with putting a baby in a situation where it wasn't wanted. I really don't understand how any woman with children could feel otherwise.
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Dr Hyde points out that posts like this will send Small into therapy, when he's old enough. "Your mother said that having you made her support abortion!" To which I say, therapy is healthy.
For the love of God, do not litter up the comments with suggestions on how to get babies to sleep. Your white noise, your swaddling, your slings, whatever, sometimes (as today) nothing works, it is miserable for everyone involved, and don't presume to tell me otherwise. And in any case, that is not what this post is about.
15 years ago
24 comments:
You are not alone. Whatsoever. It's OK that there are days where you will sit and cry while baby cries in the next room. It's OK that some days you won't even know why you are crying, or why you got yourself into this. And it's OK that you are sick and tired of reading/hearing tips and tricks that might never work.
Keep telling yourself.. it is OK, you are not alone, this is normal.. and yes, it is damn hard.
Well, yeah you're not alone on what it's like dealing with an infant.
But +1 on the pro-choice passion too. Though pregnancy alone was dreadful enough to turn me from a moderate to a relative extremist.
One of the most powerful lines I've read of 10000s on I Blame the Patriarchy is: Pro-life begins at conception, it ends at birth.
jc
My mother once told me that my father offered to take her to California for her to get an abortion when she was pregnant with me (it was only legal there at the time). She wanted me to hate him. I looked at her and asked: "Why didn't you do it?" I have a very nice life now, but I cannot answer whether it was worth the abuse and neglect by her. Sometimes when we "look out" for the interests of the child, it is more to promote our own agenda.
Good luck! You're right, and you're not alone. And one thing that got me through was what a friend told me kept her infant from being dropped at the nearest neighbor some nights: "my mother did this for me; my mother did this for me".
It does get easier, I promise.
- mom of a 6 y.o. and 9 y.o. who are going on a sleep-over tonight!
I can not relate to the sleep issues, as my monkey was a very easy baby. however the absolute frustration of >5 diapers changes in 30 mins, the constant frustration of not getting my list of To-do's done because of nursing, drove me banana's. Two things helped me get through.
The knowledge that wanting to throw your child out the window is totally and completely normal. It is not normal to actually throw them out. And yes at 2.5 years I still want to throw him out the window some days.
Getting just 1 thing done is a good day when you have an infant. that was a hard realization for me.
My son sounds similar to yours, and is still not a good sleeper at 19 months. But once my son got past that awful newborn stage and into the fun-interactive stage, I found myself feeling uncharacteristically pro-life, which I think is more a manifestation of maternal protective instincts. Still, I think it has given me some insight into the pro-life opinion. While I am still a firm believer in pro-choice, I do have a bit more understanding for some people who feel otherwise.
Totally agree on becoming a pro-choice extremist afer having a baby. After I had my first, someone told me "Now you see the magic of babies--how could anyone ever hurt one?" I was like "WTF--I've never understood child abuse until now!"
(Note that I am NOT saying child abuse is OK, just that I could now see how a sleep deprived, frustrated person with poor impulse control could do something I previously thought unthinkable.)
PS This too will pass--hang in there Dr. J.
hear, hear. appreciating your honesty, thoughtfulness and the effort you put into this.
i am childfree (by choice). not that I would change my mind about this upon being convinced that parenthood is not that hard, but it is always nice to hear confirmation that my suspicions of the difficulties are spot on, at least in some cases. it makes it easier to remain non-ruffled when told the childlovers of my family that i wouldn't even mind the troubles, and that it would all be worth it. (the "worth-it" is the usual sticking point in my mind -- i see no real benefits in having children over having a puppy...) sometimes i wonder if i am overestimating the stress and work of parenting though -- in view of your experience, i am not.
for what it's worth, both me and my brother were unwanted pregnancies. neither of us has the slightest inclination towards becoming parents. my parents express shock at our general distaste for the state of parenting, of course, we learned it from them.
Thumbs up, - great post. I fully agree with you on being pro-choice!
Although, - before having offspring #1, - I found it much easier to imaging having an abortion myself, after having kids, it is for me personally very close to a "no-way" solution.
I also agree with ScientistMother, - I've frequently wanted to throw any of my offspring out of the window, - it's a hard time, be reassured, better ones will come. *hugs*
My first baby was much like yours. I just remember the immense despair when I called the Dr.'s office in desperation and they said "colic usually lasts only 3 months". ONLY 3 MONTHS!!! It was a nightmare.
I also didn't understand child abuse until I had a baby. The massive sleep deprivation combined with the extreme stress of a baby screaming for hours leaves a person with very little coping ability.
I can't even imagine having to do that without a supportive partner and a stable homelife.
You say no suggestions, but I say chloroform.
Dr Hyde points out that posts like this will send Small into therapy, when he's old enough. "Your mother said that having you made her support abortion!" To which I say, therapy is healthy.
This post will not send Small to therapy. This is motherhood, and it's honest. Reading posts like this will help Small understand when Small has children that this is something that we all deal with as mothers.
jc, I've always read that line in the context of government spending--ie the pro-lifers don't support welfare etc--but you're so right that it also applies to the general issue of who helps take care of babies once they've emerged.
Ditto to the commenters who said they didn't understand child abuse until they had a child. Horrible to realize but so true. It's a very good thing Dr Hyde is in the picture. And GeoMom, I'm sorry to hear about the colic. Small isn't even that bad and it still slays me, so I'm astounded to hear that colicky babies (and their parents) ever live, really...
After Small had two days running of very few naps (totaling about 1-2 hrs between 8am and 9pm), and a horrible fussy night, we're thinking he's an early teether. He happily gummed a cold toy for a while this morning, and has been drooling like a fiend. At two months! Sigh.
Hang in there, Dr. J. I would be useless at suggesting ways to make a baby sleep anyway, unless it involved the use of some kind of narcotic.
Hear hear. Parenting is the hardest job in the world. No wonder we screw up sometimes.
And why I am definitely pro-choice too.
The points you make are good ones, even before we get down to what its like being a parent with practically no money or no family around to help.
Wait, there are no sleeping pills for babies?
(now I will never be a mother)
Wait, there are no sleeping pills for babies?
Oh, there used to be. A few generations ago.
If your baby has colic (as both my children did) there really is nothing you can do about it. You just have to suffer for three months or so. Luckily, it does pass. This is the mantra of motherhood: this moment will pass.
Now that those colicky days are past for me... I will say yes, having children has made me more pro-choice than ever before. I cannot imagine having this responsibility unwillingly. And I never ever want a world where my daughters don't have a choice.
I agree totally with the way The bean-mom put it: "having children has made me more pro-choice than ever before. I cannot imagine having this responsibility unwillingly. And I never ever want a world where my daughter won't have a choice." (slight modification to fit my case)
And like Becca, pregnancy was enough to raise my passion level. Nobody who is not willing should be forced to go through that. And mine was an "easy pregnancy", mine is an "easy baby", mine is a "helpful husband", and mine is a "flexible academic career"...
Thanks for having the courage to share this. I want kids, but I get so tired of people telling me how I will feel so different about everything once I have a baby snuggling in my arms, that I will want to stay home with it, etc. Maybe I will, but sure as hell doubt it. And I certainly want to experience it when I'm ready, and not before.
I gladly pay just about all my salary to send the kids to daycare. There's a reason that all the people with kids look a little happier (if even more tired) on Mondays.
And speaking of dealing with infants, I remember reading all sorts of advice and suggestions for soothing crying kids when our son was little. I also remember thinking, "WTF, that doesn't work, what a load of crap!" During his worst witching hours, we'd just rock him continuously, with music blasting.
Of course, his sister is completely different. Having the hard one first is something we thank the Flying Spaghetti Monster for every day.
I'm dealing with my own extremely little one right now and I say AMEN to all you say. I can't imagine what this would be like if I didn't REALLY REALLY want her. There was one day where she and I sat together screaming because we were both so unhappy and frustrated with each other...and Baby Mayhem is a pretty easy baby in general!
I totally agree with you. My 11 month old wakes up every 2 hrs at night!
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