My space

How have I been taking up space, and proud of it, lately?

1) Asking for what I want.
The first example's easy. I lobbied hard to get a talk at a summer conference, rather than just a poster. I could have taken the easy way out--submitting my abstract, hoping faintly that I'd get picked, and assuming when I didn't that someone else was better than I was.

But I didn't. I assumed instead that the conference chair selects talks from people he knows. Since he doesn't know me, I asked my grad advisor to email him and recommend me. This took some nerve, because there was a good chance that the chair would pay attention to her recommendation. And do I really want to stand up in front of 100+ people and bother them with my data?

Well, yes, I do. And I got the talk! On account of which, my conference fees are now waived! Maybe even some travel money! Why, it's as though someone took me seriously. Conference chair did, and GradAdvisor did.....And oh right--I did.

2) Leaping outside my comfort zone.
Second on the list is my current post-doc. I'd originally planned on staying with GradAdvisor for an extra year or so after graduation, while Dr Hyde settled his scientific accounts. But then after my final committee meeting, CurrentAdvisor (then a committee member) told me that he'd be honored if I would consider joining his lab.

Honored? Are you kidding me? I was so honored that he said such a thing, I nearly fell over. Advisor is hugely respected, and for good reasons--he's an amazing scientist. He intimidates the bejeezus out of me because he's so freaking smart, attentive, intense, and knowledgeable.

The safe and easy thing to do was to stay with GradAdvisor. She already liked me, I had plenty of irons in the scientific furnace, and after 5 years in the lab, I was at the top of my game.

Advisor's science was outside my comfort zone, everyone in his lab was crazy smart about stuff that baffled me, and did I mention Advisor intimidated the bejeezus out of me?

I took up space in a new place: I jumped to a post-doc with Advisor, despite my qualms of unpreparedness and unworthiness. I decided that I should listen to the external reality (Advisor asking me to join his lab) rather than the internal monologue ("You are nowhere near good enough for Advisor.") I'm glad. This lab has stretched me much more than GradLab would have. It's been much harder, too, but Dr Hyde has helped me through the rough spots and now I'm unbelievably happy I moved.

3) Telling the world about it.
I lurked for a long time before starting this blog. (Hello, FSP! I posted many a comment under various pseudonyms.) Who would want to read my blog? And did I even want people to read my blog?

Two events pushed me over the edge. First, within the span of a week, two of my friends commented to me how much they enjoyed my writing. I've always enjoyed writing, and one of my regrets entering science was that I would no longer have a chance to do as much of it (outside of grant- and paper-writing, which in my mind are too formal to be fun).

Second, I hit a rough patch in dealing with our infertility struggles. For obvious reasons, I didn't feel comfortable talking about this at work (I still prefer for colleagues not to know that we're "trying," let alone "failing miserably"). But I needed an outlet, and found one here. I don't blog much about it, but knowing that I can really helps.

So here I am. Many thanks to Zuska for an invigorating topic.

scientiae-carnival