I finally told my Advisor.
We went out to dinner with a visiting prof and a few other scientists, and during appetizers Advisor asked me and the other graduate student there whether we wanted kids or not.
[Ignore that his question could be considered invasive or even actionable. It was clearly intended kindly.]
I had had a drink or two, I was PMSing, and we had recently learned what the whole bizarre-o IVF protocol would entail. It took every ounce of self-control to reply calmly, "Sure, at some point," to which Advisor said, "I have to say, I think the best time to have children is during the post-doc." Must. Not. Cry. Must. Not. No.
A couple of days later, I decided to let Advisor know that Dr Hyde and I do indeed want children very badly, and that our options have narrowed to IVF or adoption, and that we were planning on trying IVF in the fall, and furthermore that I was sorry if I'd seemed less than totally engaged at work, but that I was struggling to stay focused despite the gnawing stress.
It all came out in a run-on sentence like that, too.
Advisor was very kind, said that he was happy with me and with my work, and furthermore that he had several friends who had "beautiful babies" from IVF. And that he totally supported us and if there was anything he could do to help with health care or whatever, he would do it. For whatever reason, kindness derails me even worse than rudeness or indifference does, and I watered up but didn't quite let loose the tears, mumbled some thanks, and rushed outta there to cry in the bathroom.
I hate being female, at these times. Crying feels so goddamn weak-assed, but I am often unable to prevent it. It must be hormonal, since I've heard transgender people comment that they always cried when they were female but never when they were male. And it's killer embarrassing in any professional situation, especially a male-dominated one--but knowing it's embarrassing and unprofessional just makes it that much worse.
Despite the near-waterworks, I'm glad I told Advisor what was going on. He would have to know sooner or later because of the incessant doctor's appointments we're planning in the fall, but I elected to tell him earlier because I have felt that at work I'm not as focused or as steady as I should be, primarily because each experimental setback feels like the end of the world and I'll never have kids!! rather than just, Oh hell, another experiment went up in smoke. Fortunately, either Advisor hasn't minded my spaciness or I've covered better than I thought.
Anyhow, to sum up: Advisor was awesome; I'm relieved; now it's easier to focus at work; I hate that I cry so easily.
15 years ago
13 comments:
It sounds like Advisor is a nice guy. I'm glad that he was so caring and kind (even if it did drum up the water works).
And why the hell do we feel so much better after we cry? Sometimes it seems so stress-relieving (at least it's got SOME advantages...). Anyway, since Advisor is so nice, it's probably just as good he knows, and won't worry or get irritated if what's coming up for you is interfering somewhat.
For whatever reason, kindness derails me even worse than rudeness or indifference does
I'm the same way, and I've done my share of hiding in the bathroom until I can get myself under control. I also cry when I get really angry, which sucks because crying just doesn't accurately convey the "I'm going to f***ing kick your ass!" message.
Anyway, I think it's great your advisor's so nice about it. Good luck to you and Dr. Hyde.
Phew! That must be a relief to have it out in the open. I'm glad advisor was so supportive. I've also been known to retreat to the bathroom to hide the waterworks...
Glad that your advisor was a good guy about it. It's nice to know that not all PIs are maladapted jerks (well, I knew that already, having already had good advisors; but some of the stories my friends have, sheesh!).
And best of luck with the treatments. We went through it as well, and it was very hard (and I didn't have to go through all the drugs and such my wife did). But in the end it can work. :)
I hate being female, at these times. Crying feels so goddamn weak-assed
Crying isn't weak, its a natural reaction to so many situations. Moreover, it certainly isn't a female-only reaction, I'm a waterworks factory (and I'm male).
Great news on your mentor's supportiveness. This is how it should be, although we all know that all too often it doesn't work out that way, to the great detriment of our profession.
I'm glad you told him, and I'm glad he was so supportive.
I hear you about the crying in the bathroom... as I have been there many times. Whether for personal or professional reasons, I always feel like a lame ass when I cry (probably because I never see anyone else do it in the workplace). I try not to care, though, because if people label me 'emotional', it is hardly inaccurate. I prefer the term 'passionate'. Ha.
I love lists:
1. Three cheers for advisor!!! There are good guys (bosses) out there, for sure. I have a good story to tell on this one- as my older daughter was born when I was in graduate school ...
2. Waterworks- Oh- gosh. Wait until the IVF works- then you will see what real waterworks are!!! I would start bawling after getting cut off in traffic or after seeing a Hallmark commercial when I was pregnant. Unbelievable.
3. I've recently started to worry less about women crying at work. PLENTY of men that I know display strong emotion at work when angry by yelling, getting into heated irrational debate or name calling. No one ever calls them weak for doing this- although it is also a weakness to not be able to control your emotions this way.
Ok, so I'm like Mad Hatter- I cry when I am completely, unbelievably pissed off and want to kick someone's ass. Its just my way, after 40 years I doubt its going to change.
Yeah, I also cry with rage....which is even MORE irritating because it makes me want to maim the target of my rage both for being the target of my rage, and for seeing me cry. Arrrgh.
Nat, thanks for the IVF thumbs-up! I also hear enough "six rounds later still no baby" stories that it's nice to have antidotes. Glad it worked for you two.
JP--that's reassuring! It's helpful just knowing that it's not purely a lady-thing.
1) I cry easily, and I have a lot of the same feelings/thoughts you do about it (i.e., I hate doing it at work).
2) Crying is (in many cases) near involuntary once your brain chemistry has reached a certain point, though as JP points out it is not solely female-hormone initiated.
3) Just because you aren't focusing as calmly as you sometimes can doesn't mean you aren't keeping up with things well. Your advisor seems like a decent sort (so thanks for sharing that story, stories of advisor kindness need to be spread!). That said, no one will be as sensitive to your state as you can be. The upside of that is that you've probably come across as more professional than you realize.
Glad to hear advisor was supportive, a sure sign that things are improving in science even if it is at a glacial speed.
Ahh the crying at work. I hate it to and well up very easily, especially with the kindness! If I cry in front of someone who will read it as (1) weakness or (2) feelings being hurt, I let them know crying is the only emotional reaction I have and I am crying either because I am frustrated with a particular situation OR because they've pissed me off to the degree that I want to punch them in the head and crying is more socially acceptable than me physically assaulting them. Let me say that has made a few cocky males sorta scared of me as I could easily take them out :))
I am glad to say that I am an aunty to more than 1 beautiful IVF baby. Goodluck. Oh and hallmark totally made me cry when I was pregnant!
Good news. At least you won't have to worry what your boss thinks when you start the IVF. One less thing.
I have never been pregnant. However, I can say that my post-doc who recently had her first child never seemed to lose any of her (considerable) focus either before or after the baby was born. She is certainly working fewer hours now that the baby is here, but that has nothing to do with mental focus.
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