"The problem with marriage is that even if you are two like-minded individuals who are not strongly gender-stereotypical, as you live together it will become clear that one of you has a slightly greater preference for certain tasks. Because there are two of you, whichever one is more engaged by something, no matter how slightly, will end up doing it. The problem is that these marginal affinities often do fall along gender lines, and then you end up in the stereotypical gendered-task marriage, even though neither of you is very gender-typical yourself."
A less abstract way of saying this: if I were living alone, and the cat caught a lizard and brought it in to play with, and it was scampering across the floor--I would get a glass and pick up the hapless lizard and chuck it outside. But since Dr Hyde is somewhat less disturbed than I am by the sight of a stumpy-tailed lizard running across our living room floor at 7:30 a.m., the lizard disposal job falls to him. I stand by and wave my hands and make squeaky noises.
(This was not an entirely hypothetical example. Next time, Cat, kill your damn lizard.)
Another good example is driving. I enjoy driving, most of the time, and I think I'm pretty good at it. But when Dr Hyde and I are getting in the car, he grabs the car keys, because he wants to drive. I don't particularly care whether I drive or not. Over time, this means that he drives far more frequently than I do. Meanwhile, I coordinate the grocery shopping and the cooking. Not exactly a gender-transgressive setup.
Sometimes this makes me a bit frustrated, especially when Dr Hyde tailgates the car in front of us. Fortunately, though, I'm aware of the dynamic and that helps me calm down. I know that if riding shotgun is irritating me, I can ask for the keys more often.
It's a stretch from here to lab life, but I'll give it a try. Mad Hatter recently posted about collaborating with folks who are outside her normal field:
So I spent most of the meeting just trying to keep up with the discussion. And I did...barely. I now have a decent understanding of the entire process, which is an improvement over my previous state of befuddlement.To which I say: It's ok to operate outside your comfort zone! Don't leave the thinking to people who seem to know more about the topic than you do.
But understanding the project is a far cry from being able to come up with good ideas for how to accomplish the project's goals.
Grab that lizard!
11 comments:
I hate fucking driving. PhysioWife hates fucking driving. PhysioCat doesn't know how to fucking drive.
I guess I don't see the problem with letting one person do the tasks that they like to do. I love driving. When I was growing up, I had to drive my kid brother places before he got his license. Even though that was several years ago, I still drive when we're together. My mom did the cooking when we were growing up because she was a good "basics" cook; now my dad does the cooking because he's a better "gourmet" cook. Mom tends to do the shopping, but now they tend to shop together. However, my mom also has a very strong anti-mess streak so she still does the vast majority of the house cleaning.
I guess I see the issues as being more personality, needs, and desires than a simple gendered construction.
Now that I'm raising two girls I pay a lot more attention to who is doing the driving, and who always has the money.
Physioprof- you need a physiochauffeur...
Physio--I'm sending you Toonces.
Academic--Perhaps I didn't explain this well. The issue is that one person may come to resent the fact that they are always in the passenger seat (for example). I hate the feeling that every time we go someplace, we fall into this 50's-esque stereotype: he drives, I don't. I sometimes resent that I am always the one who is supposed to come up with the dinner plans. I'm better at it, and I enjoy cooking more than Dr Hyde does--but why is it always me??
For those of us who spend a lot of time worrying about getting stuck in gender stereotypes, this can be a concern.
Oh yeah, and what drdrA said. I want to set a good example for our kids one day....that there aren't Male and Female Tasks.
(aside from maybe the spiders. I really don't like spiders.)
but but but...
What happened to the lizard ?!
You can't just leave us hanging like that!
Poor little stumpy tailed lizard.
The point about comfort zones though- that is a very wise one.
Mr.SM and I have been very good at separating the inside household tasks along non-gender lines, we both clean, I cook and do the grocery shopping, he washes the dishes and does the laundry. We alternate the vacuuming, floor washing and garbage duties. We have not been able to get out of the gender roles for outside work - he does it. Mr. SM has remarked numerous times that since he does laundry and dishes I really should participate in mowing the lawn and weeding, and I should. But then I tell him, he enjoys being a 'manily' man..I know I am a bad feminist
MrPhD tailgates too! And it also drives me nuts! LOL!
But I like driving better than he does. I think we're pretty equitable about taking turns. He drives when I'm tired.
But yeah, he doesn't go to the grocery BEFORE we run out of food, and he doesn't usually cook unless asked. It's not that he can't cook. His solution is to eat out.
I applaud that you're even thinking about it. I guess that's what we get for choosing 'guy's guys' as our mates!
Dr Hyde trapped the lizard under a glass and released in back into the garden. The cat, who was not smart enough to follow this action, continued to nose around the area where the lizard had mysteriously vanished. Then he pouted.
Gardening's an interesting one--I don't feel like that's a particularly gendered task in my mind (ok, maybe mowing the lawn.) But SM, I think Dr Hyde and I split tasks on fairly similar lines as you do; I just think that those are classic gender lines (I cook, he does dishes....). As long as you're happy with your arrangement, that's fine--the post was mostly about the resentment generated in people who swore they would never fall into the gendered-task setup.
Ms PhD--It's awful, I have to consciously suppress my back-seat driver urges. Tailgating is SO stupid...
Although I have to admit, I make DrMrA do the spiders. We have REALLY big ones.
And did I mention that DrMrA does almost all the cleaning. It's true, and usually when I'm working and he is home with the girls.
A keeper, for sure.
Double-doc--Dr Hyde takes care of the spiders, big or small. They terrify me. If he's not around, *hangs head in embarrassment* I try to persuade the cat to deal with them.
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